I say this as an introvert: we are way too comfortable in our solitude. We are too locked away in our self-made bubble, going out of our way to protect our “boundaries”, mistaking isolation as safety, then we wonder why we are sad and anxious all the time, when we’ve locked ourselves alone with depression.
"I protect my peace, even if it means distance. I am worthy of calm, not chaos."
I used to be this way, hiding and avoiding conversations, always scared of people’s opinion of me. I truly believed that people are constantly observing and judging me, ready to make fun of any slips I’d make. This fear made me too conscious of how I looked, how I behave and hold myself. To protect myself, I made it my mission to perfect everything that is within my control, that includes micro managing my behaviours, filtering and analysing the people around me. I cut off everyone that seems “toxic”, those who didn’t respect my boundaries or my beliefs, who point out truth I ignored to me. I am not saying keep everyone who hurt you in your life, but is cutting off the only solution to fixing a relationship, or is it just the easier choice? Using my boundaries as shields I hide deeper into my bubble.
A room lack of threats is also a room that blocks away every chances of happiness. I was experiencing loneliness no amount of love could fill, I would always find ways to reject it, thinking I can never be enough to deserve love, wondering if these are traps set in place to hurt me, doubting if they are being genuine or merely being polite. This leaves me living in fear: fear of losing and fear of rejections, closing the doors from both sides I was left with nowhere to run, no escape route to healing, and I keep sinking. By locking myself away from the world I am safely tucked away with my worst enemy — me, more time alone means more time left alone with my thoughts.
This mindset has left me no choice but to see the world through hatred, how can I afford to give what’s little left of me, to offer my tiny share of love, risking to lose it all? Will they love me even after they find out who I am behind these masks I’ve been wearing? To be careful and play it safe I have to assume everyone as enemy, “just in case” I thought, “what if it’s a test? What if the red flag was there the whole time I ignored it because I trusted them first?” Every person I meet, every familiar faces become a warning sign, every interaction become a potential threat. The lack of love within me is starting to show in the faces of others, the cover I assume they put on to match the mask I am wearing as protection.
"If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week. every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until it gets so ugly you can hardly bear to look at it."
-Roald Dahl
Recognition is a path that travels away and within you simultaneously, how much you know yourself is how much you can understand the world. I started to notice my insecurities projected on the random strangers I walked past. Insecurities only emphasised the lack of, to repeat what I don’t want I put more effort on the things I avoid and therefore pay attention to it more. I start seeing every traits I hate about myself appearing on others, describing quirks with only the phrases I am familiar with, seeing the world with the glasses of disdain.
Have you noticed all the little traits you picked up from your friends? A punch line to a joke you always reference, you still take pictures of the Moon because it’s her favourite even though you guys stopped talking for years, your new favourite dish is the same one that you hated until you finally give it a try seeing how much your friend loved it. We are all made of pieces of people we’ve met, no matter how briefly, all the movies we watched and the songs we listened to, every inch of you can be traced back to someone or something else. So how can we grow if we locked ourselves away, what would we become with no space to grow, who are we left with now that we are alone?
I believe as a human being we all love and crave connections, even as an introvert I still have my favourite people that I can’t wait to meet and spend time with. I think it’s built within us this hunger for connections, but to experience it we first have to remove the fear that is between us, for fear and love can never co-exist. A mom would jump in front of a speeding train to save their child without hesitation, no matter how slim the chances are because there still is a chance. When you love you do all sorts of crazy things because with the absence of fear nothing can stop you, you can’t be romantic without being a little reckless.
Connections doesn’t have to be just between two human, it could be with animals (have you looked into a dog’s eyes?) with the world, the nature or even with yourself. To me they all require the same skill sets: to have no judgement, to have an open heart ready for everything, no expectations, to always be curious, to care, to feel, to question, to nurture, and connections will form without you knowing or trying to, suddenly you would have created a bond no amount of distance could break, a true sense of security.
